The Bisexual Option Read online

  “Continuum” is the key word here. There are not discrete populations of heterosexuals, bisexuals, and homosexuals. With this in mind, it still is helpful to classify people according to experience and/or response. Kinsey developed a seven-point rating scale. The following is a figure of that scale together with his explanations.

  FIGURE 1. Heterosexual-Homosexual Rating Scale

  *RATINGS

  * Kinsey actually used the numbers 0 to 6 rather than the 1 to 7 which we use here.

  Exclusively heterosexual

  Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual

  Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual

  Equally heterosexual and homosexual

  Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual

  Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual

  Exclusively homosexual

  Kinsey did not separate psychological reactions from overt experiences. There is of course a large difference between thought and action, between fantasy and experience.

  Being identified by one’s sexual orientation is relatively new in the history of humankind, going back only to the nineteenth century. Now, however, people act as if this classification of human sexuality is a fixed axiom in relationships between people.

  Before we can adequately define “bisexuality” we first have to understand what sexual orientation is. When I started to study the concept of bisexuality, it became clear before very long that most people whom I interviewed were confused with respect to their sexual orientation. Their confusion lay not in what they thought or felt themselves but rather in the definition they could use for themselves and others. Many thought that they only had the option of two categories to describe their sexual orientation, namely, homosexuality and heterosexuality. Only a small percentage perceived the possibility of the third category of bisexuality.

  It soon also became evident that no matter what definitions we gave to the three categories of sexual orientation, limiting it to only these three possibilities did not do justice to what these people knew about themselves and others. So I began to educate them to the Kinsey Scale and the notion of a seven-point heterosexual/homosexual continuum (see above).

  In time, however, I found that even the Kinsey scale did not meet the needs of understanding what exactly sexual orientation means–too many questions were still left unanswered. If, for instance, we said a person was a 2 or 3 on the Kinsey scale, what did that mean exactly? The seven-point continuum did not satisfactorily answer the complexity of the concept of sexual orientation, the definition of which must take into account seven distinct variables:

  Sexual Attraction

  Sexual Behavior

  Sexual Fantasies

  Emotional Preference

  Social Preference

  Heterosexual ↔ Homosexual Lifestyle

  Self-Identification

  Sexual attraction is not synonymous with sexual behavior. A person can be attracted to one gender and yet have sex with the other. For example, Jane, a 34-year-old mother of two children, was monogamous in her marriage. She did not have sexual relations with women though she readily admitted to being attracted to females since early childhood.

  Anna Freud has written that the sex of one’s masturbatory fantasies is the ultimate criterion in homo- or heterosexual preference–an astute, even wise, observation on the face of it. But there are individuals who are capable of fantasy involving both sexes, of acting upon and being acted upon by both sexes, all the way to masturbatory orgasm. A bisexual interviewed in the preparation of this book told of a masturbatory fantasy in which he is hitchhiking and is picked up by an attractive couple who place him between them in the front seat. “We park somewhere in the woods, and they begin undressing themselves, at the same time kissing and fondling me. The woman is beautiful, with lovely breasts and shoulders, and he’s very gentle but very masculine and he sucks me while the woman and I exchange passionate kisses. Later we get out of the car, and I fuck the woman and suck him off at the same time. We all come together. It’s the best fantasy I’ve ever had. It always gets me off.”

  I asked him if he thinks of the man or of the woman during this fantasy. “I think of both. I mean I think of his cock and I think of her thighs and ass and cunt, and think of his coming while I’m coming in her. I think of them both. Everything.”

  Fantasizing both sexes at the same time is not the only type of bisexual imagery. Sometimes the fantasies are only of women, at other times men. Sexual fantasies is the third variable of sexual orientation. Over a period of time, changes occur, sometimes radically. Some people undergo a 3- or 4-degree change during the course of their adult lives.

  The fourth variable, emotional preference, differentiates this aspect of sexual orientation from the previous three sexual variables. Some people prefer to have sex with one gender but are emotionally involved with the other.

  The fifth variable of sexual orientation is social preference. To what degree does a person like to socialize with members of his or her own sex, and to what degree with the other sex?

  Heterosexual ↔ homosexual lifestyle is the sixth variable. To what degree does a person live in the heterosexual social world? Does he or she have bisexual or homosexual friends, go to homosexual bars or clubs, and so on?

  The last important factor is self-identification. Such identification influences many behavior and thought patterns. It was not until recently that people even had the option of thinking of bisexuality as a way of life–one had to be either a heterosexual or a homosexual. As we saw earlier with Bill and Liz, this can be a painful self-limitation. For example, a bisexual who views him or herself as a homosexual suffers not only because of the label. He or she may find nothing negative in being “gay.” But one part of that person knows that the label is a lie, and suffers the anguish of anyone whose outward image conflicts with a personal truth that cannot be outwardly (and sometimes even inwardly) expressed.

  Let me illustrate with the following example the difficulty of using the Kinsey scale in trying to decide where a particular man would fit on the seven-point scale, whereas by using the KSOG (Klein Sexual Orientation Grid–explained below) we can clearly delineate the man’s sexual orientation. Kevin is a married man who dearly loves his wife and has sex with her on average once a week. However, about once a month he goes to the gay baths in his city to have sex with men.

  With respect to the first variable of sexual attraction, Kevin rated himself a 6, that is, predominantly homosexual and only incidentally heterosexual.

  If we use only Kevin’s sexual behavior, we run into trouble with the Kinsey scale in that if we look at the number of his partners, Kevin should be classified as a 6 since he had sex with 12 men but only one woman. If, on the other hand, we look at the frequency of sexual outlets, he is clearly a 3 in that he had 52 sexual experiences with a female but only 12 with males. (For a definition of the numbers, see .) In using the KSOG, we asked him to rate himself on this variable, sexual behavior. He answered that he is a 4.

  With respect to the third variable, Kevin told us that during the past year his sexual fantasies were exclusively about men. This gives him a KSOG number 7 for this variable.

  What about Kevin’s emotional life? He only has one love in his life, namely his wife; he has never had any loving feelings toward men. Using the fourth variable, emotional preference, he is classified as a 1.

  Kevin enjoys the social company of men and women equally. This places him as 4 on the grid.

  Kevin lives almost exclusively among heterosexuals, and outside of the baths that he visits, he has as far as he knows no association with homosexual or bisexual people or organizations. For this variable, he is a 2.

  Kevin labels himself a 5 on self-identification, the last of the seven variables.

  Using the numbers of the Klein Sexual Orientation Grid, Kevin’s profile is therefore: 6, 4, 7, 1, 4, 2, and 5. This example highlights the comp
lexity of the concept of sexual orientation. Given this complexity, which one number would we assign to Kevin according to the Kinsey scale? How much more difficult still, then, to fit him into one of the three categories of heterosexual, bisexual, or homosexual. In my experience, however, I have heard arguments to support all three labels as the “true” or “real” category for any particular person.

  Yet even these seven variables do not completely take into account the full complexity of sexual orientation. What we have left out of the definition so far is that over time many people change with respect to their sexual orientation. This is especially true for many bisexuals, gays, and lesbians. Where a person is today (in terms of behavior, feeling, and identification) is not necessarily where he or she was in the past or for that matter where he or she will be, or would like to be, in the future. The concept of an ongoing, dynamic process must be included if we are to understand a person’s orientation.

  FIGURE 2. Klein Sexual Orientation Grid

  People rate themselves on a 7-point scale from 1 to 7 as follows:

  For Variables A to E:

  1 – Other sex only

  2 – Other sex mostly

  3 – Other sex somewhat more

  4 – Both sexes equally

  5 – Same sex somewhat more

  6 – Same sex mostly

  7 – Same sex only

  For Variables F and G:

  1 – Hetero only

  2 – Hetero mostly

  3 – Hetero somewhat more

  4 – Hetero/gay-lesbian equally

  5 – Gay-lesbian somewhat more

  6 – Gay-lesbian mostly

  7 – Gay-lesbian only

  Rather than use only one number to describe someone’s sexual orientation, it becomes necessary to use a grid. The Klein Sexual Orientation Grid was therefore developed to take these factors into account (see ). This grid lets us see and understand at one glance what a particular person’s orientation is.

  The KSOG does have some limitations in that it does not cover some other aspects of sexual orientation: (a) it does not address the age of the partner; (b) love and friendship have not been differentiated in the emotional preference variable; (c) sexual attraction does not separate out lust and limerence; (d) the grid is unclear as to what is meant by frequency in sexual behavior–are we measuring number of partners of the number of sexual occurrences?; and (e) sex roles as well as masculine/feminine roles are not included.

  Though the above dimensions of sexual orientation are not included in the KSOG, the seven variables and three time frames do cover its most important aspects. The grid is simple to fill out, and has elicited from many a person an “aha” reaction about their place in the sexual orientation continuum.

  People differ infinitely–in height, intelligence, excitability, perseverance, color, age, point of view, nationality, religion, weight, sex, ability, and on and on and on. In every external and internal way they differ. There is no bisexual person who necessarily reflects a 50-50 degree ratio between his or her male and female preference. Such a claim would probably be as false as claims to fulfilling the ideal macho stereotype or the ultrafeminine type.

  Within the continuum scale itself three different facets of bisexuality should be noted: transitional, historical, and sequential. A common view holds that all bisexuals are in a transitory stage–usually from heterosexuality to homosexuality. According to my findings and experience, this is true only for a small percentage of bisexuals. Bisexuality is used by such people as a bridge to change their sexual orientation from one end of the continuum to the other. Within their lifetimes, some people can and do change their orientation by more than one or two points on the Klein Sexual Orientation grid, but usually not in a short period of time. The change of emotions, ideals, and behavior necessary for such an alteration brings about, at times, the state of bisexuality. Often the bisexuality itself becomes the norm for that person, while a few people complete the swing to heterosexuality or homosexuality. For these few, this transitional bisexual period can be very short or can last for many years. It is also a two-way bridge–a person can travel the road from hetero- to homosexuality or from homo- to heterosexuality.

  Historical bisexuality is demonstrated by the person who lives a predominantly hetero- or homosexual life but in whose history there are either bisexual experiences and/or fantasies. Sometimes the bisexual history is extensive, sometimes minimal.

  Sequential bisexuality is quite common. Joan B., a patient of mine, began an affair with a woman after breaking up with her male lover. Two years later (when therapy commenced), she had just broken up with her female lover and shortly thereafter began a relationship once again with a man. In sequential bisexuality a person’s sexual relationships are with only one gender at any given time. The frequency of gender change, of course, varies according to person and circumstance.

  The total range of bisexual preference is extremely broad–from almost complete preference for one sex, to enjoying sex with either gender, to almost complete preference for the other sex. There is also episodic, temporary, experimental, or situational homo- or heterosexual activity. One example of episodic bisexual preference is the woman who sleeps with other women only when she is drunk. An example of temporary preference is the predominantly homosexual male who, when having an affair with a woman, prefers to have sex only with her. The experimental bisexual is represented by the person who switches the gender of his sex objects only once, say, to see what it is like. Many normally heterosexual men in prison practice situational bisexuality, given the circumstances. They would prefer females.

  Public attitudes toward sexual preference also have profound effects on individual lives. “Coming out of the closet” has become the phrase most associated with newly avowed homosexuals, but it could apply to bisexuals as well. A “closet bisexual” practices in secret. The world at large does not suspect. (Chapter 8 discusses in detail the ways many bisexuals do manage to let their friends, associates, and family know about their sexual orientation.)

  The subjective aspect of bisexual behavior must also be considered. A female prostitute who agrees to have a paid lesbian encounter might never consider herself to be bisexual. Male prostitutes who allow themselves to be fellated for money often do not consider this a homosexual act, or consider themselves bisexual.

  A bisexual subculture would be yet another dimension of bisexual life, but if there is such a subculture it is too small to have any perceptible significance. With the increased media focus on bisexuality, however, we will probably see a new subculture develop, as bisexuals increase the frequency of their mutual interaction, and discover the extent to which they are a special group with beliefs and behavior different from those of other people.

  Another aspect of bisexuality to be considered is the distinction between sexuality and intimacy. Sexual behavior and erotic feelings toward both sexes define the bisexual only, while intimacy is found in all kinds of human relations. We’ll pursue this in much more detail in Chapter 3.

  Finally, the most important thing to note is that the bisexual, the heterosexual, the homosexual each lives in a state of motion, and within that state anything in the psychosexual spectrum is possible. This of course makes all sexual labels (including “bisexual”) a presumption, but a necessary presumption. These states of being can then be defined and located at certain points on the continuum.

  Listen to two female bisexual patients of mine in a group session discuss where they both feel they are “at” in their sexual evolution.

  Betty: “My trouble is I keep looking for the big neon-lights relationship–you know, the Handsome Prince who will carry me off to everlasting happiness ever after.”

  Wanda: “What if the Handsome Prince is a woman?”

  Betty: “Well, I think about that too. The fact is I have more relationships with women than I do with men.”

  Wanda: “Sexual?”

  Betty: “Yes.”

  Wanda: “What do you
think of yourself? I mean, what do you think you are sexually?”

  Betty: “Honestly?”

  Wanda: “Of course.”

  Betty: “I think I’ve latched onto the bi title because then I can cover all the bases.”

  Wanda: “What do you really think?”

  Betty: “Well, I live with this woman and I love her and I don’t at the moment love anyone else so I think I’m moving out of the bi to the gay focus. My lover and I argue about this all the time. It’s beginning to hurt our relationship.”

  Wanda: “She resents your fantasy of the Handsome Prince.”

  Betty: “No. Not at all. She keeps saying to me why don’t I stop worrying about gay or bi and start thinking about us. She means, you know, concentrate on ourselves, what we are now.”

  Wanda: “It sounds like being bi is stunting you. I mean your conception of it. I’m bi, but in this group you’re the one we all give the lesbian attention to despite the fact that, in action at least, I’m not bi but gay. I haven’t had sex with or a fantasy about a man in years. You’re the one we focus on, I think, because you keep trying to be one thing or the other. I think your Handsome Prince fantasy is just fine. Why not imagine yourself at some future point in another context. Hell, I’m mostly gay and I doubt if I’ll ever sleep with a man for the rest of my life, but no matter what I say, I can’t know that for sure. I think your lover is right. Why don’t you stop worrying about gay or bi and think about you and her? If your lover can live with the Handsome Prince, you should be able to. She sees your possibilities clearer than you do.”

  A word about the biological, cultural, and psychological factors. Consider conception–the means, or, if you will, the miracle by which each new human life is begun: the egg and the sperm unite, a person is conceived. From this beginning, an embryo develops. It then becomes a fetus. Months pass and in time that a baby is formed, and when the months add up to nine the baby is born.